Why
by Saz
Summary: Heero POV song/deathfic: Heero gives into his emotions and returns to Relena's side, but are his demons too much for him to bare?


Why

Why 

Performed by Annie Lennox

Song-fic by Saz 

Disclaimer: I own a cat! But that's just about it. -_-;;

(Please don't shoot me… I am aware this is a horribly depressing thing to write, but when I heard the song it made me think of what Heero might feel like after the series. (NOT Endless Waltz, this fic totally ignores EW lol)

I get the feeling I have interpreted the song _completely_ wrong… but I gave it a shot!Remember not to kill me ok? g)

*****

Love.

Peace.

Too strong a hold they have on my mind.

I could never be the man you wanted. The man only you see.

I could never live the life that's beckons your step.

Nothing in this life was meant for me.I'd try to live, but living without you tore at my heart, your echoing presence ripped at my soul drawing me to your side.

But now, living _with_ you - it summons a fear in me; a fear even darkness dreads.

**_How many times do I have to try to tell you _**

**_That I'm sorry for the things I've done._**

**_But when I start to try to tell you _**

**_That's when you have to tell me _**

**_Hey, this kind of trouble's only just begun…_**

Memories of past battles haunt my mind, your presence soothing in its ambiguity as my dreams rake me from consciousness. You're not here.In these dreams of blighted conquest.You're never here – you'd never understand.

I can't seem to forget what I have done.I always thought perfection was my key to apathy, I could kill without conscious; I could massacre the young, and never feel.

You taught me to feel.

You taught me this terror.

I can't withstand your sympathy.

**_I tell myself too many times _**

**_Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut _**

**_That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words _**

**_That keeps on falling from your mouth._**

I've listened as you speak so many times before, calming these demons that shake my soul, Asking me to wake, begging me to stop.But I can't.Life for me is a punishment, life for me is a never-ending struggle for sanity.

_ _

**_Falling from your mouth… _**

**_Falling from your mouth…_**

"I love you, Heero…" 

**_Tell me... _**

**_Why _**

**_Why_**

How can you accept me?How can you love me?

How can you love something in me that I can't live with.

You love what I hate.

You love my weakness…

I can't accept your sympathy…

**_I may be mad _**

**_I may be blind _**

**_I may be viciously unkind _**

**_But I can still read what you're thinking…_**

Shallow apologies are all I can offer.I know you think you can save me, I know you want to save me.But your acceptance is my prison.Your arms - shackles.

My words, tainted with anger; stained with hate – they were never meant to hurt you.I've seen the questions in your eyes, seen the pain dancing in their depths.My torment – finally reflected in you.

Why can't you understand?

**_And I've heard it said too many times _**

**_That you'd be better off _**

**_Besides... _**

**_Why can't you see this boat is sinking…_**

You love what I hate.You love my weakness.

I'll drown in your sympathy…

I'll die in your credence.

You're safer this way.Safer from me.Protected from this pain.

If I let you in, if I let you touch this, you'll regret it.

You will…****

**_Some things are better left unsaid _**

**_But they still turn me inside out _**

**_Turning inside out; turning inside out…_**

I do love you Relena.

I just can't let you love me.

You can't love what you'll never know.You can't love what you'll never see.

The person before you when we're together - that's who I used to be.

Before this peace.

Before this prison.

I could never tell you these things.

Never tell you my fears.

My weakness.****

**_Tell me... _**

**_Why _**

**_Tell me... _**

**_Why_**

How can you love me?

A monster.

A killer.

How can you love what I hate?

What _you_ hate.** **

**_This is the book I never read _**

**_These are the words I never said _**

**_This is the path I'll never tread _**

**_These are the dreams I'll dream instead _**

**_This is the joy that's seldom spread _**

**_These are the tears... _**

**_The tears we shed _**

**_This is the fear _**

**_This is the dread _**

**_These are the contents of my head _**

**_And these are the years that we have spent _**

**_And this is what they represent _**

**_And this is how I feel _**

**_Do you know how I feel?_**__

Our life together until now, realised dreams, and blissful happiness.

But not for me.

For me your happiness if fuelled by death, driven by my darkness.

The glint of love that resonates through you, that grips me like a vice.Your love, your sympathy.

I can't withstand…

Do you understand?Do you know how I feel?****

**_'Cause I don't think you know how I feel _**

**_I don't think you know what I feel _**

**_I don't think you know what I feel _**

You don't know what's happening.All these thoughts and you'd never have seen.

You lie next to me oblivious of my trepidation.

Oblivious of how your life will change with one movement.

Can't you understand what it's like to be in love with someone who will never know you.

If you knew me.

It would kill you too.

I lift the weapon. Its black tunnel glides to my head.

It's better this way, Relena.

You'll live on,

You'll finally be free.****

** **

I squeeze the trigger, and my thoughts turn to black.

You'll finally be free.

As will I.

Finally.****

** **

_"Heero?"_

**_You don't know what I feel._**

_~ Fin.~_


End file.
